


Zombie Plans and Other Things

by Gummibearthief (Jessjess)



Series: Shawn and Jesse Chronicles [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-05
Updated: 2012-03-05
Packaged: 2017-11-01 12:38:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/356875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessjess/pseuds/Gummibearthief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone should have a plan for the end of the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zombie Plans and Other Things

When Shawn came home from work the last thing he expected to see was Jesse, his partner, sitting on the couch reading items off a check list. The red head had a pencil behind his ear and halfway tucked into his braid as he tapped the legal pad in his lap.

“1) Labor groans sound like zombie groans so practice your Lamaze techniques as a reminder.

“2) Zombies walk at the same pace so you’ll never lose the race as long as you keep walking.

“3) Don’t worry if you stumble, zombies do it all the time and it will establish your credibility, just don’t panic and make a loud groan to make up for it.”

“What are you doing?” Shawn was at the limits of his curiosity.

“Updating my zombie plans in case of attack.”

“I didn’t even know you had a zombie plan.” The brunette choked out to hide his laughter.

“Of course I have a zombie plan! Everyone should have one. Maybe they’re not real right now, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t be. These are just common sense items adjusted to the situation.”

“Such as?”

“Such as knowing where the nearest military base is in case of attack or missile silo if they’re in your area. They seal tight, don’t allow in animals, and might even have an independent water source. You can’t be burned out or flooded and if you own the land you can stock it with enough goods for years. The silo that is, or a cave as long as it’s deep enough. Plus they’re fairly cheap since the government likes to unload dead areas that can’t be used.

“The ideal is to live in a remote area such as the desert or the mountains. However, if you choose to live in wooded areas you should kill any animals you plan on eating immediately because they will eventually be infected, or try to raise livestock inside then you can have a continual food stock and company if you’re alone.

“You should have at least three pairs of guns so that you have spare parts for all of them and plenty of ammunition that you use rarely. The longer the zombie attack goes on the better the chances are that they would hear something like a random shot.

“Try to establish as many eco friendly sources of power that you can. Solar panels are far easier to repair than a gas generator, and both gas and electricity are going to go off sooner or later. See, look you can get the plans right off the internet!” The smaller man waved a binder of paper at him.

“You think about things way too much.” He said with a reluctant admiration. There was no doubt that his lover was nuts, but he was a prepared nut. “Why do you need to update anyway?”

“Well, I have to be prepared when the baby comes.”

“What baby?”

“Our baby!”

“Where do you think you got a baby from?”

“The internet, of course.”

“You can’t order a baby online, that’s illegal and immoral!”

“Well, I didn’t order someone else’s baby, moron!” Jesse rolled his eyes. “I ordered something that would make me pregnant with your baby.”

“You’re a man,” Shawn began patiently.

“Last time I checked.”

“There is no such thing that could possibly make you pregnant!”

“You are dangerously close to setting off my hormones.” Green eyes narrowed at him.

He wanted to laugh, or to cry, he wasn’t sure. This was the last thing he’d expected after a twelve hour work day, but that wasn’t going to make it go away. He took a deep breath, then another and asked as calmly as he could.

“Where did you order the magic bean from, and please tell me you didn’t trade our cow for it. She’s the only thing between us and starvation.”

“Those beans worked for Jack, asshole.”

“Okay, I know, I’m sorry. Where did you get the baby from?”

“You,” The lower lip had come out and Shawn knew he had to talk fast.

“C’mon, lover, I just want to know that you’re going to be alright. What if they sold you drugs or something like that?”

“Sidious and Nasa’s A$$ Babies For Men. I’m not stupid you know. I checked them out, and there were testimonials.”

“Ass babies… for… men” Shawn knew he was in a special kind of hell at that point. He wasn’t sure what he’d done in his life to deserve this, but apparently he’d died a bad man.

“Besides, I’m pregnant so I know they work.”

“You’re pregnant,” He echoed faintly.

“Yep, I went to the doctor today and confirmed it. The results are over there on the table. We’re going to be daddies!”

“Ula Hansonfeifer? This isn’t your name.”

“Well of course not! I couldn’t go as myself they might get suspicious!”

“What do you think is going to happen when they deliver the baby? Ignore the dangling bits?”

“Oh that’s…” He shuffled around on the table. “I know I put it… Ah-hah! Here it is! See I downloaded the procedure for an at home C-section. You can deliver the baby here. Now go get me some ice cream, sweetie, the baby has needs, and I need my strength for shopping tomorrow.”

Shawn stared at his car from the front door. He’d only been home ten minutes, and chaos that surrounded the man he loved had come back to bite him on the ass. He sighed, put on his ball cap and headed for the corner store. Somehow, no matter if it was true or not he couldn’t wait to see what tomorrow brought for his little green eyed, red headed monster. His could only hope that the baby was cute.


End file.
